Hi, Queen. Before I begin, let me just remind you of your magic. I’m going to write about a topic that is not only personal to me, but also something I’ve witnessed several women close to me going through. But regardless, this is for the girl who’s been told, “I’m just not ready yet,” or “I’m still working on me right now,” or even, “If I had a girlfriend, it would be you, I’m just not looking for anything serious at this time in my life.” Just remember that it’s not you, it’s them. You’re perfect. Let me begin…
“You can be the greatest woman in the world, and you’ll never be good enough for a man who isn’t ready.” –Anonymous, but probably in the Bible somewhere.
I guess I can start by playing Devil’s Advocate. After my last relationship, I took a stand and said that I didn’t want a relationship again for a while and that I wanted to focus on myself and my career, blog, makeup artistry, weight, that kind of thing. I was so over the dating scene that I wanted nothing to do with men for a couple of years. During this time, I had no interest in being asked out, and consistently told men that I’m “emotionally unavailable.” I probably missed out on some really good guys. But the way I saw it, everything happens for a reason, and I wasn’t ready, so the guys approaching me during this time just weren’t “the One.” I know what it’s like to not have any interest in someone regardless of if they’re a good person or a bad person. Granted, I’m generally attracted to the biggest players I can find, so I’m sure I didn’t miss too much.
So, yeah, before all this, I fell in love with a man who wasn’t “ready” yet. So what did I do? I want to tell you I immediately noticed the red flag and instantly told him to have a nice life while taking my pride and dignity with me. But, let’s be real. I stuck around for FOUR YEARS, hoping I’d have been a real ride or die, proving that I can be faithful and love him so deeply and selflessly that as soon as he woke up one day ready to commit, he would pick me! Haha, I almost laugh at myself now. Wow, love can really make situations seem sane that are absolutely crazy.
This isn’t the first time someone told me they weren’t ready for a relationship or wasn’t looking for anything serious. Was I trying to fill a void by ignoring the major red flag? Did I think that if they saw how amazing I was down to my core that they’d fall in love anyway? Did I assume I could change a man? I really don’t know. Maybe I wanted someone to love me the way I loved him for once in my life. My love has always been one-sided. Men have said they love me, but they never really have.
I’ve seen several friends going through the same thing. So much so, that I wanted to dedicate an entire blog to it. From the outside looking in, girl, you’re way too good to be stuck in a situation where a man doesn’t love you inside and out, and wants to commit to you, and grow WITH you by his side. If he doesn’t someone else will, and you’re fooling yourself if you think he’s going to magically wake up one day, ready to commit.
Don’t get me wrong, I totally respect the mindset of a man getting his s**t together before wanting to introduce a relationship. I respect the honesty and hustle and ambition. Yes, King! Go get it. But don’t hurt queens in the process. Don’t turn us cold. Don’t break our hearts, or let us break our own hearts loving you when you’re incapable of loving us the same way. Just be honest, and let her go. Don’t lead her on, and use “I was honest with her from the beginning,” as some way to make yourself feel better or more righteous in your decision to string her along, with no happily ever after in mind at all.
Queens, notice when a man says this up front and respect it. Feel gratitude that you caught it early and focus on you. I know you like him. I know he seems different and he makes you feel special and beautiful and it’s easy with him. I’ve been there with you. But he’s not your man, and you’re forcing your love story, instead of letting it unfold naturally. Trust me, if it’s the Devine Plan for it to be him, it’ll always be him, sis. Let him take care of his business and come back to you because if you try to make it happen now, it’ll end in disaster every time. That’s my best advice. But the heart wants what it wants and if you decide to pursue it anyway, that’s totally up to you, but think about saving yourself time and heartbreak and focusing on growing yourself.
Recently, a man said these words to me: “It’s not that you’re not gourmet, I’m just not hungry.” Fortunately, I’m finally at a place in my life, that I KNOW I’m gourmet. I know I’m high quality. I’ve worked hard to be the woman I am today; I haven’t always been her, and I know that whoever ends up with me will be an incredibly lucky man. I will treat him like the king he is, and I’ll make him so happy. So, all I needed to hear was that he didn’t want a relationship at this point while he grows. He went on to ask me to remain with him as he grows because I motivate him and inspire him, but… no. I calmly thanked him for being so honest with me and asked him to leave. I have no more years, days, or minutes to wait for a man to be ready for me.
I want you to feel the same way I do and get to the place where you simply love yourself more. Love yourself more than excuses. Love yourself more than the wait. Love yourself more than the disappointment. You’re so incredible and beautiful and strong, and you never have to settle. Being single, in my opinion, is a million times better than being in love all by yourself. It’s way better than wondering, or having unanswered questions.